I want peacocks

I don't trust people who don't know what they want. People who let life happen to them with very little direction are flaky, they disappear, they aren't to be depended upon. I also distrust morning people, vegans and Prius drivers. I digress.

In fairness it's scary to say what you really want. At some point we learn or we're taught that wanting is shameful. In my case, I had a step-mother who called me selfish each and every time I expressed a desire. This was clearly transference. I imagine she felt she made a daily sacrifice for everyone else's well-being at the expense of her own. I suppose she repressed her desires, probably never even giving them words or a space big enough to breathe, tamping them down and castigating herself for selfishness. I reject that. As the old saying goes, if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. In the case of the cabin losing pressure secure your oxygen mask before helping others. You can't give to others what you don't have. So let's make Mama happy, secure our masks, shore up our souls, because then we can have fulfilling relationships with other people instead of seeking other people out to fill the gaps in our lives and psyches, the gaps that are ultimately mine and my responsibility to manage.

I don't think that you get much of anything worth having in life if you don't go after it. Imagine what would happen if you exhibited 20 seconds of insane courage and went after what you really wanted, courageously, damning the torpedoes. It's quite inspiring this idea of just being okay with failure, nothing ventured, nothing gained. However, what do you want? What do I really want that I don't have? If I could get over the shame of wanting, get past the embarrassment of wanting and allow myself to really verbalize my desires -- what kind of acts of courage would it take to make it happen?

what i want
Here's my list, for today anyway.
A house where I can have peacocks and a goat to eat my yard (so I don't have to mow it). I will name the goat Oscar and the peacocks Leland & Georgette (they're in love). I will teach Ephraim, the giant red poodle to not chase peacocks or goats. Perhaps I will have to teach Oscar not to chase Ephraim. Can you reason with a goat? These are things I should find out.

I think the insane act of courage to achieve that would be in actually finishing a novel and sending out a thousand query letters to literary agents and receiving a hundred rejection letters and not becoming a terrible alcoholic in that process, a process that should probably involve Xanax. & a little vodka. Probably together, even though it's incredibly contraindicated, but just because pharmaceutical companies don't want us to have fun. That is what illegal drugs are for.

I want a man who finds me ineluctable (irresistible, inevitable). If he knows the definition of that word we may be well on our way. The insane courage needed to get that accomplished would be the illogical act of letting someone in. I'd have to do vulnerable and a little less fierce.

That's pretty much my list. It's fascinating how difficult it is to even have the courage to say what you want and that's the easy part.