From the bungalows, Santa Monica.
The lugubrious birds are back.
Winged terrorists.
Conniving, plotting, feathered torturers.
Every night beginning around 11pm they start chirping. Angrily. Loudly. Incessantly. All night. Every night. It's wrong. It's just so wrong. It's perplexing. It's annoying. It completely backs up my birds-are-evil theory. Those migration patterns? Far too complex. Mark my words, birds are up to something. Global domination seems far fetched, but so did iPads 5 years ago.
I just googled "obnoxious night birds" and it took me to a garden web forum and now I feel like a huge loser. Apparently, the angry nocturnal bird question is quite a hot button topic among the garden web set, as is misspelling, improper use of their, there and they're, and ridiculous theories about tree nesting foxes. I console myself with the knowledge that I did not post to this thread, but I've read it and there's simply no denying that.
While the gardenweb people seem intent upon identifying the source (be it bird or fox or owl or tree frog), I'm preoccupied with what the birds are saying. It's like getting your nails done at a Korean salon and all the ladies are giggling and throwing you sidelong glances and you know they're totally mocking you and all you can hope to gain at that point is just to know the reason WHY. But you will never know why unless you take Korean at the local community college, which probably doesn't even offer Korean. And then you spend hundreds of dollars on rosetta stone CDs that you have to painstakingly convert to MP3 and make a playlist called "fucking Korean spa ladies", copy it to your iPhone and learn Korean while you're stuck in traffic on the 405 while the driver on your right is picking his nose and the douchebag producer in the porsche to your left is getting road head and all the while you are trying to learn how to order spaghetti in Korean. After you learn what you think is a passable amount of Korean you go back to that nail salon, triumphant, because now you are armed with the ability to understand why they ridicule you, only to find out they're not Korean. They're Vietnamese.
The point is this: those nocturnal rowdy fuckers are mocking me. And they're up to something. This has nothing to do with sleep deprivation. Nothing at all.
P.S.
Dear Overland Park and adjacent areas,
It's 1am and I'm sitting up writing bullshit instead of drinking my face off and making questionable life choices and googling bird murder methods. I expect payment in the form of comments.
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Thank you very much for almost making me blow yogurt out of my nose at work. Did you ever find out what the nocturnal birds were? I mean species, of course...as the obvious alternative answer would be "bloody annoying".
ReplyDeleteBloody nightingales. Migratory at least, so they aren't permanent tenants in my lemon tree.
ReplyDeleteYou know birds have had it out for me my entire life starting with the vacation from hell: South Dakota when I got pooped on by a bird and recieved a "certificate". The people who say it is good luck to be pooped on by birds have clearly never been pooped on by a bird! But seriously, I had this problem when I lived on the Plaza, thousands of birds came every night. Play owl sounds, it worked on the Plaza!
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