false alarm!

We've all heard the tales of a friend of a friend who scratched an infected bug bite and suddenly thousands of baby spiders erupted from the wound. Or the friend who harbored a parasitic worm from eating sushi. Or the one where a roach crawls in your ear while you're sleeping. I'm dismissive of these stories, not because I don't believe them, but because the likelihood of it happening to me is very low.

That is until tonight when my right ear began to itch in a most uncomfortable and incessant manner. Immediately I thought of my sister, who warned me about the creeping roaches and how she slept with earplugs in her ears for months. Hypochondria took over and webMD was my enabler.

I was able to find one study with the instance of 89 roaches being removed from ears in hospital emergency rooms in 1993. I find 89 alarming, but on average 90 people in the US are killed by lightning each year.

I'm not thrilled, but I am OK with the odds.

Also, a roach in the ear canal is reportedly a massively painful affliction. Based on this data I'm comfortable with my self-diagnosis: just crazy. Not: hosting a roach in my ear canal.

One last note, if you do find yourself in serious pain and feel something moving around in your ear clearly you should go to the emergency room. However, they simply douse the ear with mineral oil which kills the bug. Then they fish it out. So, if you have some mineral oil and a bug in your ear, you may wish to do that part yourself*, as the wiggling of the bug can damage your ear drum. Also, once the bug is dead, most of the pain abates.

*I am not a medical professional. My father was, but I doubt that counts for anything. As such, my advice is worthless and based on a ten minute internet search. Now should I find myself in this situation, I have outlined precisely what I would do. Keep in mind, I engage in all manner of foolish activity and therefore may not qualify as the type of person from which you might be comfortable receiving advice. That is all.